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[19 Mar 2008|04:12pm] |
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i feel like a bad person
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[04 Mar 2008|05:56pm] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
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music |
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stars |
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There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say
i just have to remember to breathe and remember myself
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| i still remember how you looked that afternoon |
[28 Dec 2007|02:11pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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the damned |
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since it's almost the end of the year, i feel a little obligated to write something in this dumb livejournal since i've had it since i was 15. every now and then i like to go back, read old entries, open up old memories and relive some things. even though i've grown so much and half the things i wrote about embarass me to no end, it's interesting to see how far it all is from the place i am now. in high school you always think the way you are is as old as you'll ever be. i thought i knew everything but really, my everything was a very narrow list of things i believed in at the time. it's not that i think i'm so mature and above it all now because that's not it at all. i've just become a lot more accepting of the fact that life isn't about having it or not having it, knowing or not knowing, it's about finding and that happens everyday whether you are 15, 19,or 70. i'm so thankful for my growth. i'm so thankful i can find the things that make me happy and push through the rest. it's been a really good year.
besides all the memories i made with my friends, i accomplished some stuff too. i'm really on track with my major. i'm a psychology beast! it's crazy because i've always been good at school but never the kid getting 100% on tests. i guess it just means i picked the right thing or maybe it comes from years of psychoanalyzing myself and my friends ahaha. who knows, but it comes naturally i'm stoked for next semester because i'm working in a prof's lab and helping with therapy for battered women. this semester was cool too because i got back into dancing and started doing community service. next semester i'm working at a bmore animal shelter and i'm ridiculously pumped!
i think what i'm most proud of is the fact that pat and i are still dating. i guess proud isn't exactly the right word because it implies that being with him is really hard to do when 99.9% of the time it's really easy. being 19 is a hard age because we are all on turbo-grow up mode. we are becoming mini-adults and changing everyday. it's an amazing thing to have someone next to you to grow with. we both have changed so much in the last year and a half but we stil compliment each other. he's my best friend. we push each other all the time and there's so many times when i'm sure he wants to strangle me but he never gives up on me and i never give up on him. everyone deserves to be held the way he holds me.
since i prob won't write in this for another 7 months...my goals for 2008 would probably be to start saving money. i have more articles of clothing than i have money so i need to stop spending. next to NOT break my cell phone this year. this is a serious one. i'm averaging about 3 cell phones a year and that is not good. next, to not pump up my schedule so much that i don't have any time to breathe. last semester i did and accomplished a lot but i also was too busy to sleep and think. i want to learn to knit, be really good at guitar hero, and exercise more. i want to maintain all my friendships from home because sometimes they are on thin ice.
i guess that's it, happy almost new year!
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| why does one-minus-a-plus-one feel like it adds up to zero? |
[03 Sep 2007|07:38am] |
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mood |
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 numb |
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i've been beating myself up for hours. i could hardly sleep last night thinking to myself that what we had could be really over. the thought of that is so scary i spend half the time convincing myself it's not really over only to turn around and spend the other half of my time reconvincing myself it is. i need a rulebook or maybe one of those quizzes is it really really over or are you being insensitive and stupid. what is being in love when you are 18 anyway? how much is too much to take and is what you think is too much an overexaggeration? the only conclusion i can come to is that if i'm this confused then maybe i need to give myself 24 hours to just be confused. then i confuse myself even more by questioning if my confusion is confusion enough to stay together or confusion enough to be apart. i don't want to be alone and maybe that's exactly why i should be. i don't know if love is enough. it's hard to tell if the pain of breaking up is a growing pain or a sinking feeling that this isn't supposed to happen. when all is said in done, i've been loved and i've been neglected. we always questioned when and how this would happen and he always said he wouldnt let me go. why did he just let me go.
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[14 Aug 2007|04:17pm] |
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mood |
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 uncomfortable |
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music |
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mineral |
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i need to start taking care of my body and my health. it's getting ridiculous and to be honest, pretty scary. it's really embarassing to sit and type about this but i'm hoping if i write it down maybe i'll be more motivated to put the effort in and take care of myself. i don't know. i had a physical today and i'm down to 104 lbs and at freaking 5'6, i really need to get atleast to 110. i'm going back to school soon and i don't want to get back in the pattern of not eating because i'm busy or the dining hall sucks and doesn't have any vegetarian food or whatever. this has just got to be one of my priorities this year.
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[29 Jul 2007|01:34am] |
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I dug my fingers in the earth.
I drew you pictures of my pain.
They were so pretty.
They were so vain.
Put your hands in the water.
Let it touch you everywhere.
Boat of my father.
Cut from my mother.
Father.
I'm lonely.
I'm an only.
I learned to put on airs.
I needed them to breathe.
Today I wake up, tell myself this is me.
Now this is home.
But the property's on loan.
So much for letting go.
I'm picking up the phone.
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| hold my hand |
[25 Jul 2007|09:59pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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music |
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sorrow- br |
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today was kinda nuts. last minute i decided having fun outweighs money (which could explain why i never have any money...) and decided to go to warped tour with brooke. merriweather sucks and i wish it couldve been at nissan because i feel like i spent the first hour waiting in lines, walking through crowds, and waiting in more lines. after i finally got my ticket i met up with pat and his friends for tiger army. it was my first time seeing them and i was really stoked to hear they are coming back around in october. the rest of the day was mostly chilling and trying to escape the sun since a lot of the other bands were horrible. however...i'm a geek. pat is a geek. and we waited in line to meet nfg only to be extra geeky. i was seriously giddy but i've always said that i would be if i met them, blink, or ian mackaye. it's definitely a concilation when your boyfriend is as flustered as you are as you both run away holding hands going HOLY SHIT OMG like little girls hahaha. anyway, bad religion ruled and it felt really good to finally see them. nfg for the 4th time owned. i'm such a pop punk junkie.
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| i never could forget those nights |
[22 Jul 2007|10:55pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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despite the fact my camera and phone were floating in my purse soaking in jungle juice...
and i almost got arrested twice...
and at one point i was super paranoid about someone shooting me in the face...
i had a really fun weekend at the beach with all my wild best friends.
getting pulled under by waves, dancing at a 60 year old deck party, meeting our best friend (a 70 year old man with dancing shoes), talking to the sweetest romanians, giving out fake numbers, singing sunnnasaaaa loudly, listening to remie's ghetto mixes, sitting on the beach at 5 am discussing life, crying, laughing, and staying up all night. it's what being young is about and if you have to sacrifice some things for a little adventure then i say it was all worth it.
i can't believe summer is almost over!
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| kinda mental |
[13 Jul 2007|11:52pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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lily allen |
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i used to feel like there were three types of relationships a person could have. the kind with your family, the kind with your friends, and if you were lucky (and sometimes unlucky), the kind with someone you've fallen for. for the longest time, i looked at all my friends in a certain light. now, i feel overwhelmed by all the different types of relationships that exist in my life. i'm a long distance friend, a home town friend, a forgotten friend, a new found friend, a drinking buddy, a passing face, the type of friend that listens, the type of friend that never calls, someone you can't control, someone who can't control you, hell. i don't know what i'm doing. i always thought going to college would make you feel more grounded but somehow i feel more lost AND more found. i'm constantly baffled by my life, these relationships and it inevidably boils down to a fuck it let's just have fun and not think about it attitude. but then that doesn't feel right either. i make stupid decisions for the sake of having a good time that compromises my personal growth and personal growth is the exact thing i'm looking to find. i think in circles and one day it's going to drive me insane i swear. it's just all this change and all these people.
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| i wish the world was flat like the old days |
[18 Jun 2007|01:02am] |
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dcfc |
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this summer has really got me thinking. this time last year i didn't even have the time to stop and think. i lived each day feeling like it was my last and now i realize those days were just that. they were the last days of that part of my life and as many times as i plan to make things go back to the way they were, they can't. if last summer was a whirlwind then the school year was a tornado. i've learned so much about myself. i'm not so impulsive. i'm not so scared. i'm not so excited. i corrected a lot of flaws i thought i had in high school but without those flaws, i almost feel boring. what happened to my nights? the kind when i'd find myself so ridiculous, lost, and fucked i couldn't help but laugh. what happened to living on instincts? i hate practical but when i'm being impractical, i always wish i knew better. it's crazy how the things we hate about ourselves feel almost like home. we learn to love our flaws and when we grow above them, it's like we can't figure out who we are anymore. all my closest friends are in this weird limbo between a lost childhood and this looming adulthood. i try to act like a kid and i feel like a fake but accepting adulthood seems premature. i feel like the only thing i have in common with any of my friends from home is the fact that none of us know where the fuck do we go from here. in all the chaos of last summer, we had direction. live it up, say goodbye, try not to look back as we start our new lives. i keep waiting for a moment when something clicks and i think god, this is what i've been waiting for. i don't know if moments like that can exist for me anymore. where is adventure. where is romance. where the fuck is excitement.
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| I'm leaving this place but there is nothing I'm planning to take, just you |
[01 May 2007|04:06pm] |
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new bright eyes |
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ahh holy shit. i physically can't stop sneezing. in the time it took me to walk from class to my dorm i sneezed a total of 12 times. it figures that it finally gets warm out and i have allergies for the first time in my life. though my eyes are blurry, my nose is itchy and my stomach hurts from my sneezing fits, this weather is like my savior. i was so sick of winter and it makes me so stoked on life to wake up to sunshine every morning. i have 2 regular weeks of school, exams and then im done with my first year of college. as everything with me, this is bittersweet. i'll probably be pretty sad to leave but i'm already getting excited for the summer. sleeping in, laying around by the pool all day and working some will be a nice alternative to a hectic school year. i'm worried i will have trouble finding a summer job but ive applied to a ton and it seems like ill end up working at american eagle, oh yess. my dad wants to buy me a car at the beginning of the summer (!!!) so i can get used to driving it before next year. ill have to pay most of it back but im so happy. i have a lot of people i need to cart around to make up for years of being a ride bum ahaha. i registered for classes today and i'm up for 18 credits, plus working 7 hours a week in admissions, plus community service. im trying to graduate atleast a semester early to save some money so i can go to grad school. by the middle of next year i'll be a "junior" so it's fucking weird i only have 2 and half years of college before im done. time moves so fast and this has been one of the best school years of my life. i've made a lot of memories at my nerd school. pretty much every night pat and i sit on the phone amazed that we've been dating for almost a year. nothing could ever be the same as your first year at college. LIFE IS CRAZY. that's all i can say. and my life just happens to feel like a constant sitcom.
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| quiet morning |
[05 Apr 2007|10:14am] |
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lifetime |
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man, i haven't updated this thing for real in ages. my class got cancelled this morning so i have some time to kill.
in a lot of ways, i feel like this year as been the complete opposite of last year and of almost every year up till this point. i'm almost done with my first year of college and i've learned so much about myself. it really is fucking crazy. i've grown, i've changed, and though sometimes that's scary, i know that is the way it should be. sometimes i get terrified of living another day because i know that's another day that i'm one day older. i still have trouble letting go of the past. i let memories work their way to the front of my brain and grab hold of my focus. i still struggle with the present and not getting caught up in what's happened or what i'm waiting for. despite all that, in my heart i know i am thankful for where i am and the people that are in my life even if i only see them a couple weekends out of the year. that's all you can ask of life. i tell myself i must be doing something somewhat right.
lately, school's been pretty typical school. i've had to give a lot of tours of umbc for my job and it makes me laugh how somehow i'm the type of person that can be positive and make parents laugh. IM A GOOD ROLE MODEL...probably not. mary and i have been on a fitness kick and we've been running, doing yoga, and stuff like that. yes! sunday was modern life is war, ruiner, fighting dogs, and i adapt and when mliw played nervous breakdown i just about had a nervous breakdown. i'm stoked about this weekend since a lot of friends i havent seen in awhile are coming home for easter.
i have to start planning my classes for next year and i pretty much have no clue what i'm doing. next year mary and i are rooming together and living on a floor which is dedicated to doing community service. im pretty excited about that because it'll be cool to actually do something positive while i'm here. not to mention we get to live in bigger dorms that have a living room :)
last but not least, mission of the summer: GET A CAR!
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| hello friend, it's been too long |
[04 Apr 2007|12:32am] |
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music |
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pop punk attack |
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i just made pat a alex circa 2001-02 mix that consists of...
1) Tomorrow-Home Grown
2) 43210-1- The Vandals
3) Punk Rock Princess- Something Corporate
4) Don't Say Goodbye- Goldfinger
5) Teenage Riot- The Ataris
6) Gainsville Rock City- Less Than Jake
7) Knees- Hot rod circuit
8) DJ DJ- The Transplants
9) The Worst Day Ever- Simple Plan (YEAHYEAH)
10) Finish line- Yellowcard
11) Who's Gonna Save Us- The Living End
12) Less Talk More Rock- Propaghandi
13) What If- RX Bandits
14) Jaded- MEST (AGAIN YEAHYEAH)
15) My Life Story- Mxpx
16) Tearing Everyone Down- Anti flag
17) Somewhere Down on Fullerton- Allister
18) The Kids Aren't Alright- Offspring
19) The Idiots Are Taking Over- NOFX
20) If I told you this was killing me...-Julianna Theory
21) Anyone Listening- Pennywise
22) I'm Real- Starting Line (best cover)
23) Rest of my life- Unwritten Law
24) Ender- Finch
I think that about sums me up.
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| hold this town in your heart |
[11 Mar 2007|04:11pm] |
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music |
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sinking ships- kiss the sharks |
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i'm gonna come out and say it...
I WANT SUMMER.
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| salvation. |
[28 Feb 2007|11:20am] |
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rancid |
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i've been stressed lately and finding escapes that inevidably make it worse. i know it's stupid but i keep doing it. ive been blaming school but to be honest, it's a lot more than that. i found out on monday my grandma's not doing well. my mom's been a mess all weekend and my sister called me yesterday to let me know that the docter told her she has broken so many bones in her back she shouldn't even walk anymore. ive never really been close with my grandma but i remember this one time when i was little sitting on the dryer in the laundry room and talking with her for hours. the other day i was pulling clothes out of the dryer and that memory hit me like a ton of bricks. it's completely out of my character to cry and i rarely do it without a pretty heavy reason, but for some reason everytime i think about that day with my grandma i feel this knot in the back of my throat grow and i wonder why we were never closer. i hate that i'm talking about her like she's already dead but i had to say this. i feel like she's a distant person because there's so much pain she has seen in her lifetime. sometimes i wonder why i emotionally distance myself from things when unlike her, i've basically gone through nothing. i feel so god damn selfish sometimes.
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| pat and i did a survey.... |
[25 Feb 2007|05:30pm] |
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 relaxed |
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music |
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harry potter 3 |
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and this is it ;)
DO YOU SNORE?
p: no
a: no
LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
p: lover
a: lover maybe
WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
p: getting old
a: having cockroaches climb into my ears/growing up
AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER?
p: yes
a: yeah!
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY TV"?
p: sometimes cool, sometimes gay
a: if flava flav's involved i'll watch it
DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
p: no
a: yup
WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
p: call my mom
a: yes
HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
p: non existant
a: dayummm i need more bitches
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
p: black
a: black
DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
p: YES!!!!!!!!!!!
a: no but pat really likes to sing the descendents
HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
p: no
a: i wish
ANY SECRET TALENTS?
p: kama sutra
a: i pee about 400 times a day
WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
p: beach
a: europe
HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI?
p: yes
a: no, veg
HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?
p: yes
a: parts of it
DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE?
p: yes
a: i give a damn about the ozone
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?
p: who cares
a: 3
CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
p: no
a: no
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?
p: yes
a: yup
ARE SPEEDO'S HOT?
p: everyday
a: no
WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
p: i don't like trophy hunting but regular hunting is ok i guess
a: fuck that
IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
p: one day
a: perhaps
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
p: nahh
a: yeah
WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
p: nothing
a: nufffin
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"
p: probably 10 minutes ago
a: (see above)
IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE?
p: no
a: in my heart
DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
p: never been to a wedding
a: nah
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
p: scrambled/fried
a: not particularly
ARE BLONDES DUMB?
p: no, people are dumb
a: nah
WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
p: what does that mean?
a: probably in my dorm's laundry room
WHAT TIME IS IT?
p: 547 pm
a: 547
DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
p: nope
a: alex greek
IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?
p: yeah
a: holy shit, yes
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
p: saturday
a: friday
DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
p: baths
a: depends
IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL?
p: in my heart
a: i wish
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
p: alex says i am
a: best show everrrrr
WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
p: coke, food
a: crappy television and sitting online
CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
p: creamy
a: creamy
HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
p: no
a: nope
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?
p: one
a: three
IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
p: HELLL YES XXX STAY TR00000000 (alex typed that)
a: mostly
ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?
p: yes
a: yes
HAVE YOU EVER HITCH HIKED?
p: no
a: no
WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
p: blue
a: blue
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
p: last night
a: i don't remember
DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
p: yes
a: yes
WHOSE LIFE IS BETTER?
p: no one
a: no one
ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
p: noo
a: totally
HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?
p: not the whole thing
a: no but i should
DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
p: drums, guitar
a: guitar badly
CAN YOU SKATEBOARD?
p: ye-ah
a: tony hawk pro skater
DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
p: yes
a: sorta freaks me out
DO U SNORT WHEN U LAUGH?
p: no
a: ....yes
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
p: do you believe in magic in a young girl's heart
a: nope
IS A DOG A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
p: man's best friend is woman
a: my dogs are more like hamsters
YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
p: no i dont believe in it therefore its not real
a: i agree
CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
p: yes
a: sorta
DOES YOUR MOM KNOW YOU HAVE A MYSPACE?
p: i guess
a: yeah
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
p: american cold cut thanks to umbc dining hall/alex's parents money
a: cereal
DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH?
p: davey havok
DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?
p: i love alex
a: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
p: anything about cell phone additions
a: THOSE FUCKING CELL PHONE RINGTONE COMMERCIALS...MAKES ME LOOSE MY MIND
DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
p: lyke omg
a: yeah...im a nerd
FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?
p: energy
a: modern life is war
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| we are warriors, the great exploriors |
[09 Feb 2007|10:03pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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rosa |
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anyone else have those moments when you feel like the you two years ago would hate who you are now? i know it's just growing up but sometimes i feel like i lost myself. i'm home for the weekend and my mom repainted my room. it's cool because i was sick of the old orange room but nothing is more eerie than leaving the room you spent your life in, covered in band fliers, postcards, letters, and polaroids to blank blue walls and a white comforter.
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noise_annoys82's journal
mellow
rejuvenated